This article originally appeared in the April 2020 issue.
In this industry it doesn’t take much to make your truck feel outdated with all the advancements and innovation happening on a regular basis. One day you’re driving around in a truck that demands attention and the next thing you know it feels past its prime. I guess that’s why a build is really never complete.
Speaking of vintage, each May the reality that I’m getting older seems to hit me harder and harder as the candles continue to pile on my cake. But with my “big day” coming up next month, I was recently asked what I wanted for my birthday. I simply said, “The Perfect Day.”
6 a.m.—Alarm rings.
6:01—Smash alarm with two-iron
9:19—Wake up on my own.
9:20—My wife brings me breakfast in bed—wearing only the newspaper.
9:21—Open newspaper.
10:21—Read newspaper. See that Diesel Tech magazine has become the most read publication in the U.S. and Canada.
10:31—Enjoy wholesome breakfast of pizza, cheese fries and a Cherry Coke. Forget to eat anything good for my colon.
10:42—Wipe my face on the guest towels.
10:43—Forget to do crunches. Forget to shave. Take one-hour shower.
11:53—Put on my favorite ratty Diesel Tech T-shirt and my beloved Chicago Bears hat.
11:55—Get in my new 2020 gunmetal grey diesel pickup truck that has been heavily modified to get an estimated 60 miles per gallon after doubling the stock horsepower and torque numbers.
12:01 p.m.—Exhilarating drive to the fairgrounds on state highway patrols’ National Give A Warning Day.
12:06—Enter my daily driver in the sled pull because my truck pulls trailers; it doesn’t ride on them to events.
12:11—The Sports Illustrated swimsuit models greet me to wish me good luck. Understanding wife just smiles.
1:15—My local track is extended 300 feet and renamed in my honor after redefining what a full pull is.
1:48—Celebrate a first place finish at the sled pull; Ultimate Callout Challenge invites me to compete at its next event.
2:55—Stop by a sandy beach on the way back and have a barbecue with members from the 1985 Bears Super Bowl team. Lunch consists of steaks and the Super Bowl Shuffle. Current players tag along and are tutored by the veterans on how to finish the job this season.
3:55—Mike Ditka apologizes to me for not giving Walter Payton a chance to score in Super Bowl XX.
4:15—Team up with Shaquille O’Neal for a water fight against the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.
5:02—Watch dejected EPA officials cry after loss.
5:26—Get mobbed by Diesel Tech fans as we get news that the federal government has decided to disband the EPA.
5:33—Scratch off winning lottery ticket and win several million dollars when I stop for a Snickers bar at a gas station.
5:34—Call the president of Harris Publishing and purchase the company over the phone.
5:35—Inform my former boss that he now works for me and that he shouldn’t make any plans for the weekend.
6:02—Briefly stop by newly acquired home to put on Diesel Tech T-shirt and my worn-in jeans.
7:34—Restaurant maitre d’ compliments me on adhering to the new no-collared-shirt rule.
7:36—Fettuccini Alfredo pasta is ready for me as I sit down to dinner. Share table with Alan Greenspan and Warren Buffett, who exchange insider stock tips.
8:15— Gal Gadot invites me to the first screening of her latest Wonder Woman movie, which features a 30-minute chase scene with diesel pickups.
10:11—Par-5 length limo picks me up at the theatre to take me home. Get a call from a truck manufacturer who asks if they can incorporate my new ingenious ideas in their Big K diesel line that will officially launch at SEMA.
10:53—Hear on news as I’m getting ready for bed that the U.S. troops are returning home.
10:54—Watch Walter Payton highlights while eating nachos and Buffalo Wild Wings in bed.
12:22 a.m.—Forget to floss.